Thoughts on the CBDNA.

What an incredible weekend. Do you ever have experiences that you appreciate in retrospect even more than you did when you were experiencing them? I learned so much I never knew I didn't know.

For starters, Carter is an "animal" and a "monster". These were congratulatory remarks made after his performance at the final concert of the conference. Actually, I did know that. But it's really something to hear people telling that to him while enthusiastically pumping his hand up and down and grinning from ear to ear, shaking their heads, dumbfounded.

It's hard to grasp the magnitude of what's going on when you're not a part of the community of musicians, conductors and composers. This is one of the big perks for me in seeing these performances, taking in what's happening. Because I think I "get it" but then every time I go to another show I start to "get it" even more, but on a different level.

When it comes to music I couldn't be more ignorant. So for example I learned that a concerto is kind of like a duel between a soloist and the band or orchestra. (I think). Carter's piece was Concerto Logic, which was a 4-part movement about different games of, well, logic and intellect I guess. During the performance I was surprised by the length at which he was playing alone. I felt like the band was sitting around waiting a lot, but now I realize that was the point. They'd have a turn, then he would. Which ties the whole thing together. The title, the method of play, the story behind the music. It's all so simple and clear yet I didn't pick that up right away. So great.

Also it's one thing to see a band perform one of Carter's works, and quite another to watch him do it. It actually surprised me how emotional it made me feel. I typically get pretty emotional at these things anyway, because it's our family gathered together and it's celebratory, and there's this feeling of pride and excitement at Carter's gift and accomplishments. There's a lot of feeling of amazement and wonder, so strong it's almost overwhelming to me.

Anyway, different than just listening to music, watching it being made is really amazing. Seeing the people running back and forth banging drums and clapping wood blocks together is so exciting. I guess that's what I'm starting to "get" about the difference between a band and an orchestra. When you're in an auditorium, or at least when I am, looking at people on stage formally dressed with instruments it always seems sort of like it's supposed to be boring and stuffy. Not the case at all. It's so playful and fun, I find myself involuntarily smiling throughout the whole performance.

Couple all this stimulation with the knowledge that what you're listening to was conceived, developed and written by someone you know, that their brain works in such a capacity, is simply incredible. Then to watch him actually perform it too, was literally too much for me to take in all at once. Without really understanding it, I realized I was a nervous wreck. I mean, I was physically holding my breath through the whole thing. Even during it, when I realized what I was doing and tried to stop myself, another few minutes would go by and I'd have to tell myself to breath again.

I'd like to see it again without the emotional attachment to the performer. It was distracting. Normally I enjoy just swimming around the stage, zeroing in on all the people and movement and sound. I tried, but could not take my eyes off Carter. His hands for sure, but then I found myself trying to imagine what he was feeling and sensationalizing – am I using that word correctly? – both physically and emotionally. Wow. Wow, wow.

I'm not doing this justice. I wish everyone I know could have been there. I walked away from it wishing I could see and hear it all again about 10 more times in a row. In a word: Awesome.